Rising above, continuing on. My trail of tears.

How, Why, Oh woe is me.  Now is the time to choose to ask the questions and turn from what you know or reserve yourself to prayer and praise and worship.  I faltered. I know I did I felt
it in the first few moments.  I cried and screamed and wondered how it had gotten that far.  I prayed it wasn't true.  I then had a choice to continue to let go or pick up my faith where I had dropped it moments ago.  Theses are the defining moments that everyone talks about.  What would you do (What Would Jesus Do?) and decide how to go from there.  I am no where near perfect nor will I ever claim to be.  I have my weaknesses, my short comings if you will.  This is the moment to dive in or forever turn til you hit rock bottom again. I have chosen to keep moving on the path to not drop my gauntlet and to push in deeper and harder than ever before.  This is my long journey upward out of the ashes to rise and become stronger and more wise for it.  Flabbergasted is a good word to use.  It doesn't necessarily define it but it feels more like home if you will.  More of an out casted word rarely used and that is much of how I feel.  I am confused, torn, hurt, but I refuse to give up to anything the devil throws at us.  Its not just my journey and hasn't been for a while but I very rarely venture alone like I Should.  I tread water, I go under, I come back but sometimes the emptiness is so much that I disappear for painstaking minutes and hours and days at a time. I write this not for
shame, glory, or to divulge things.  I write this so you understand that I am like many of you.  Many of you who have lost the good Faith fight or put down your armour or your weapon and have
decided the world is easier to live in without the right or wrong.  The judgment that some lay on us and the guilt we feel and when we have no where to turn it festers and bubbles and oozes, and
this is when we lose faith, we lose a piece of ourselves.  I couldn't go back to not believing that's not an option for me.  This is about not giving up when the first sign of the world crumbles around
you and your afraid your cries aren't enough.  They are enough, they are heard.  What you choose to do in these moments and after will decide which path you continue down.  Mine has been overgrown with the occasional zig-zag, a bed of grass here, and a pool of tears there.  But I will always come back.  I must its not an option to falter and stay on the well worn path of destruction.  My
road has been dug up, muddied, and dirt up to my eyeballs.  I like dirt I like that it is simple and its not something that you have to break through to find what lies under like concrete.  Yeah
there is an occasional rock or more and it gets muddy.  But that's half the allure.  I need to connect back and see the blades of grass sprouting and the worms and bugs going about there life. Without
God these words wouldn't be possible.  They would pass through my mind like a flooded river and disappear into the cracks of life never to be seen again.  I know that this is a season that I am changing. I understand that there will be times that I blossom and others when I wither.  But with Jesus I can never truly die.  I will lay dormant inside still gathering the word until its time for me to bloom again and it will all come spilling out of me like the sun across the plains of a wide opened field.

Politics...can you say corrupt and unjust.

So I have a rant to get off my chest and it has been bugging me since I read it on my phone last night.  So the 5 U.S. soldiers that murdered civillians in Afghanistan are getting off scott free they will not get the death penalty just maybe life in prison.  GOD bless America and all but The Bible says an eye for an Eye.  Thats like saying anyone can murder us in another country or in our own country and look forward to living out the rest of their free lives in a cushy jail cell with 3 meals a day while our family is gone and will never see them again.  Not everyone in Afghanistan is there to threaten us there are the innocents that praise our help and need us to protect them and we turn around and murder them because we have more power than them.  Seriously?  Is this the way our government works.  Love thy neighbor but not the ones that look different or live over seas away from us. 

Yes this really probably push the buttons of a lot of Americans, but from my prespective if my child was murdered by a soldier that is there to protect our way of life or vice versa would you not be offended.  Lives are lost everyday over petty meddling crap because someone wears the wrong color or dresses different or is of different race sex or creed let alone if they are of different sexual orientation.  Are we all that petty that our government can look the other way and say oh its a casualty of war and yes while one of you will be court marshalled and sent to prision for life you wont die inhumanly like you did when you killed innocent people.  Why do we as Americans hold our self to higher standards and think that killing is okay.

We should protect our own and our way of life against people out there that are really there to harm us not by someone that is there just because that is where they are born and have no choice of leaving.  Have we not seen the effects of war when we bombed hiroshima and left all of the innocent lives to die in agony and pain.  But remember they hurt for the greater good, right?  This is a touchy subject that has a lot of answers and a lot of hate and brutality behind it. 

We are in Iraq for a reason to bring peace to a nation that has none.  We cant even bring our selves peace here in the United States.  When we walk down the street and hear people being racist or anti-semetic, or homophobic do you stop and say hey thats enough we are a nation under GOD and we dont deserve this or are you one of the millions that turn the other way and say yeah thats right they deserve what they get.  Dont judge unless ye be judged.  Dont be the one to persecute and point fingers of hate.  When judgement day comes can you truly say yes I loved all my fellow man no matter what they were because I am not the one that they have to answer to on judgement day. So WHY should I point the finger of blame and cast them into the depths of hell and damnation.  Why do you think there are so many out there today on depression medicine and think they have no other way out but death. 

I am sorry to tell you America that the path that was once grown over and barely noticeable to the naked eye is now the path of least resistance and when you walk behind GOD and stray from the path and see another one that has been taken many times by many others then that path starts to look mighty tempting.  Dont be fooled because this path of suicide leads to nothing but hurt and regret and hatred of all things around us.  Dont let us push all of our younger youth away because we cant find it in our hearts to love one another. 

War is a heavy burden for our soldiers to take on themselves and we all support them 100% but when one of our own has the audacity to turn around and kill an innocent life because you feel you are worthy to do so or have more power to do so then you better think again and take a good look at yourself because you are no better then the enemies we are fighting this war against to protect the innocent.

God Bless you all and shed some light on the subject. Talk it over with people and maybe we can all work to have a healthy and happier violence free life.  Please pass this on to others so they no the sorrows of the world and that maybe one day these sorrows can be wiped clean by a better understanding generation.

Its just hard, nuff said, I win.

No one ever said that being a mom and a wife and a woman would ever be easy.  Let alone being a step mom and full time stay at home mom on top of it all.  GOD bless me I love my life and I wouldnt change it for the world and sometimes we all need to vent but GOD help you you tell me its not a full time job in itself.  GOD bless the mother's and father's out there loving and raising someone elses children.   It is so fullfillng and yet it is the hardest thing to ever have to do. 

Those of you out there that are step parents understand where I am coming from and I hope that most of you are as lucky as I am to be friends with the childs other parents.  Its hard and not an easy thing to do.  It took some time for me to talk to my step sons mom I was so afraid we wouldn't get along or we would have problems connecting or that I would overstep my boundaries.  I had no kids when I got with my husband and I fell in love with my step son immediatley....he didn't feel the same right off but we warmed up and we were the best of friends.

I have been with my husband for over 9 years and my step son is almost 10.  To me I felt like he was mine.  Granted I didn't deliver him or wake up to him when he was a newborn but the bond was still there and we learned to love each other and we went everywhere together.  His mom was in the military and My husband and her mother did most of the raising while she was away making a better life for her and him. 

It has been 9 years now and I am lucky enough to love my family and my sons family.  They are great down to earth people and we constantly call each other and stay on the same page with my step son.  I know that when she moved back it was hard for me because I was afraid he wouldn't want to do anything with me or the family anymore but I have been blessed that we always work our schedule out around each other and we always have time for him and our family. 

Now 9 years later and 4 kids me and my husband are so in love and have the most love to give all the kids.  Its never going to be 100% easy but we are lucky enough to have understanding and GOD on our side.

Its not the easiest thing to talk about or get used to but if you ever want to talk or need help I am here and thats all anyone can ask is that someone is here for them.